signs from the other side ✨

for the mystics in the group chat

I grew up in Buffalo, NY, a true Rust Belt city. A city that was booming in heavy industry until it crashed in the latter part of the 20th century, leaving factory dense areas abandoned and deserted. Architects like Olmstead and Frank Lloyd Wright once built there believing it would be the next NYC, but those dreams were cut short as manufacturing moved overseas and the economy tanked. Homes with incredibly detailed architecture & woodwork that would go for millions today, abandoned and left behind. And while the City of Good Neighbors has pulled herself up by the bootstraps in more recent years, it is a city still full of this old energy, and with that, ghosts from times past.

As a child, I was sensitive to this… energy, and I was especially sensitive to the spirits. I once told my parents that I had been seeing a ghost in our home. A younger woman with long red hair that first presented herself to me on our mud room stairs, and another time walked down our hallway, past my bedroom, and disappeared.

Now I grew up in a very strict, Italian Catholic home. To say this did not go over well with my parents is an understatement. There was the “You just need more God in your life” lecture, my Ouija board was confiscated and thrown away, and it was made very clear that I would not be mentioning this again, and off to Church I was sent to pray.

For many, many years I tried to shut this part of myself down. I wasn’t sure why I felt the way I did and why I saw the things I did. There was noone to explain it all to me, and there was noone to even talk about it with that didn’t think I was just a young girl with a very vivid imagination. It wasn’t until I was in my early 20s and met my first Reiki teacher that I fully allowed myself to explore this extra sense. And as soon as I said I was open to exploring this side of myself again - the signs, the messages, the spirits - it all came back to me. This extra sense of mine was just waiting to be called upon.

I ended up using this intuition and connection in my own life, but expecially when I stepped into my role as a Healer. This isn’t something that I necessarily market about myself at my job, but it has guided my journey as an energy healer, and it has helped me connect more deeply with my clients. My favorite thing in the world is during an energy session with a client, a beloved animal pet that has passed on will present themselves, and normally offer some gesture of safety, protection and love. To be a voice for them in that connection has been so touching for my clients and also to me.

But how does all of this relate to cancer?

Well, unfortunately for me anyway, my channeling, psychic abilities, gift, whatever you want to call it, just plain STOPPED when I got sick. Like GONE gone. Poof, if you will.

The more I have spoken about this with other healers, I have learned that this is not uncommon. Sickness, I have found, is something that makes you travel inward. To depths I had yet to see before in myself. It is like your body shuts down other faculties because it must use every ounce of it’s energy just to keep you alive.

And while that explanation made sense in some way to me, man did I mourn this lost part of myself. Each time I was sick with cancer, I had to face the loss. It hurt deeply being disconnected from this part of myself. It felt like a loss of self. A loss of my spiritual side when I felt like I needed it the most. It felt like abandonment somehow. A severe depression fell over me like I hadn’t experienced before. It felt like another cruel, cruel side effect of cancer treatment.

It literally brought me to my knees. And if I was already on my knees, I might as well pray for a sign.

And that is when She came forward.

Marjorie Metcalfe, my father’s mother, and my Sign that not all was lost.

This is Marjorie, the grandmother I never met, the grandmother that I knew had died of breast cancer but I didn’t know what kind of breast cancer or how old she was or really anything about her at all as a matter of fact. This is also one of the only photos I have of her.

My father had left home at 15 years of age due to an abusive father, and once he was gone, he did not look back. So I never heard many stories about her. My father didn’t stay in touch with much of his family back in Canada at all really, so I didn’t have much family history to hold from his side. Even though I was her blood, her life was a complete mystery to me.

Yet here she came. The sign I needed in the darkest days of my treatment.

“I believe in signs....what we need to learn is always there before us, we just have to look around us with respect & attention to discover where {it} is leading us and which step we should take. When we are on the right path, we follow the signs, and if we occasionally stumble, the Divine comes to our aid, preventing us from making mistakes.” - Paul Coelho

The day that you have surgery to remove what ever bit of cancer that chemo didn’t kill is normally considered your Cancer Free day, and that day then becomes your marker for each year into Survivorship. My breast cancer free day is July 19th.

going into surgery july 19, 2021 - my breast cancer free day

A friend of mine made me a site to keep friends and family updated about my cancer journey, and so the post landed there announcing my July 19th date. Somehow, some way, it found it’s way to a long lost cousin in Toronto. She replied “that is the day our grandmother died of breast cancer.” I got chills.

Not only would this be my cancer free day. It was also hers. The day she left her earthly body and became free from the pain of cancer, and I would now get to share this sense of freedom, this sacred day, with my grandmother. We finally had the connection I had always wanted with her. I felt her all around me. I felt my senses come alive. I felt SAFE.

I knew that this date didn’t land here randomly. She was with me. She was watching over me. I had my Grandmother here with me. And that meant I was also still me. My gifts hadn’t completely abandoned me. They were just coming in a different way. And I needed her to show me, remind me. Maybe I wasn’t able to connect that way day in and day out, but damn if it didn’t show up, in my face, at the most opportune of moments.

Maybe you, too, have experienced a loss of your spiritual connections, your spiritual side, during sickness. Or maybe you too just need a sign. So here is your reminder to simply ask.

Things that have helped me when I have felt lost or disconnected during sickness:

1. make a family altar and leave gifts for your ancestors ~ I leave sweets for my grandmother, especially fresh fruits, hard candies or bits of chocolate, always tobacco as all my ancestors were smokers, and even a little nip of Limoncello or Strega ; ) ~ and ask them kindly, in your own way, for a sign of encouragement. Then keep your eyes open. Signs can be bold, but they can be subtle as well. Keep your heart & mind open.

2. find what grounds you, first. Then find something that blows you away. And what I mean by this is that we need grounding, stability while sick - a home, a warm bed, a safety net of people you trust. But also don’t forget to lift off the ground, too. I normally find this through art, music, poetry. So much can come through you when you create. You yourself are an act of creation after all. When you step into these elements, it can take your brain away from the sickness, even if just for a moment, and let you find safe moments of joy within yourself again. Working with joy helps us to stay open to miracles.

3. stay in connection with the people in your life that understand the true you. They won’t let you forget where you came from and who the fuck you are.

Feel free to leave messages or comments if you have experienced anything like this, too! While you were in treatment, were signs showing up all around? Were there things you couldn’t quite explain but felt like miracles? Were you feeling disconnected from your talents or abilities or yourself? How did you find your way back? I would love to know.

Til next time, ❤️ D.